Excerpt from Chapter One of Sweet Temptation

On this particular day, Collette, the presenter, was late. Again. Her show started at eleven in the morning, and we were both meant to be in for ten o’clock on the dot, so that we could go through the running order with the producer Becky and get everything ready in plenty of time. But Collette breezed in whenever she fancied it. The first week, she’d generally made it to her desk by ten-fifteen, but on this day, it was nearer ten-thirty when she finally sauntered through the door.
“Jeez, it’s hot out there,” she said, slinging her bag onto the desk and pushing her big designer sunglasses up on her head. “Everyone okay? All set for a great show?”
Becky looked irritated. “Collette… you tell me,” she said. “Where have you been?”
Collette pulled a face. “No need to get uptight,” she said. She glanced in my direction as if noticing me for the first time. “Get us a coffee, love, I’m parched. Bit of a late one last night.”
No please, note. And that annoying ‘love’, like I was sixteen and a work experience girl or something, when I was actually a year older than her, the stupid cow.
I was about to rise out of my seat, when Becky put a hand on my arm to stop me. “Maddie doesn’t have time to run around making you coffee,” she said coldly. “We need her here with us to prepare for the show. So… if you’re ready, let’s go through today’s running order. We’re on air in less than half an hour now, so let’s make it quick.”
Looking miffed, Collette shouted through to one of the secretaries for coffee instead, glaring daggers at me as if it were my fault. Finally, we were able to get down to business. Collette’s show was a mixture of music and chat with different phone-ins and quizzes according to the day of the week. Part of my job was to put together the skeleton running order for Becky’s approval, research local news items Collette might want to talk about, and arrange guest interviews. My old boss, Chip, had always liked the human interest stories – the Good Samaritan in the street, or the local girl with leukaemia who was getting treated to a Disneyland trip, that sort of thing. Becky and I were still finding our feet with Collette’s taste. So far, she only seemed interested in poking fun at celebrities and passing on gossipy rumours.
“Okay,” I started, going through my notes. “So we’ve got the midweek phone-in at 11.15 – we could do something about the school summer holidays starting soon—”
“Nah.”
I gaped in shock at the way Collette had cut me dead. “Um… Well, lots of our listeners are mums, so…”
“So the last thing they want to talk about is school bloody holidays, babe!” she snorted. “Ever heard of escapism? What else have you got?”
I glanced down at my notes, my face burning. Chip would never have spoken to me like that. “Well… the Birmingham Restaurant Awards are tonight,” I began tentatively. “So maybe…”
She clicked her teeth. “Not very sexy,” she said. “Look, leave it with me, I’ll come up with something better for the phone-in. What else?”
And so it went on – with Becky getting similar treatment, too. Collette didn’t like the sound of Phil the Chef’s Wednesday Recipe (“It’s kind of dull, isn’t it? Get him to give us another one, something more exotic.”). She rolled her eyes at the mention of the Samba band who were coming in to play some tunes, and actually yawned when Becky reminded her about the Midday Quiz.
“We’d better set up,” Becky snapped at that point, twisting one of her auburn corkscrew curls taut around her finger (always a bad sign). “Collette, you’re just going to have to wing the rest, I’m afraid. Maddie, can you keep on top of the links, please.”
“No worries,” Collette said, cool as a cucumber, sashaying into the studio.
“Of course,” I said, not feeling in the slightest bit cool. I was used to live radio programmes now, of course, but Chip always ran a tight ship, with every minute of the three-hour programme accounted for. With Collette discounting half the material Becky and I had put together, the running order was looking horribly light.
I needn’t have worried, though. Collette had plenty to say. Most of it was stuff she’d got straight out of The Sun, and there was quite a long phone-in which revolved around slagging off the Big Brother contestants, before she started a monologue about whether or not she was going to get her hair cut short at the weekend.
Then she segued into her bombshell. “You’ve got to look your best for summer, isn’t that right, people?” she cooed into the mike. “That’s why I’m starting the Make Birmingham Beautiful campaign right here, right now. For the next few months, all my team at Brum FM are going to embark on a new beauty regime.”
Becky looked flustered. “What’s she talking about?” she hissed to me. We were sitting a few metres away from Collette but separated from her by the studio’s soundproof glass panel. “Do you know anything about this?”
“No,” I said, feeling nervous. I didn’t like the spiteful light in Collette’s eyes as she glanced over at me, and went on.
“I, for example, will be road-testing some beauty goodies kindly sent to us by the Bliss Spa at Perfect Body Gym,” she wittered. “And I’ll be posting ‘before and after’ photos on my DJ blog, so watch out for those! I’ve also got some hair lotions and potions from Saks for Becky, our lovely producer, to try out.”
Becky smiled – with relief, I think – and gave Collette a thumbs up.
“What about our hunky controller, Andy Fleming?” Collette continued. “Now, he’s my boss, so I’ve got a special treat for him – a Man Spa session at Serenity – the lucky fella! Let’s hope he remembers that when it comes to the annual pay rise, eh, Andy?” She laughed at her own joke, then her gaze swivelled to me. I felt like a mouse being eyed up by a cobra and flinched.
“As for Maddie, our super assistant…” Collette cooed, her eyes glittering. She paused for a moment, then smiled a killer smile. “Well… She’s on a mission to beat the bulge! Yes, that’s right – Maddie’s going to try out a FatBusters weight-watching class. There are sessions running in all sorts of places around the city, so log on to our website if you’re interested in losing a few pounds yourself. I’ll let you know how we all get on in a fortnight, so don’t miss that…“
Snap. The mouse was history, the cobra victorious.
My hands were trembling, my mouth was dry and I felt a huge lump in my throat, as if I was going to cry with embarrassment. It took every last shred of pride I had not to walk out of the studio there and then.
“Are you all right, Maddie?” Becky asked in concern. Collette had put on the latest Girls Aloud track and was bopping around as if she hadn’t a care in the world.
I couldn’t look at her, or reply. Collette’s words were still sinking in, stinging through me. Maddie’s on a mission to beat the bulge! Maddie’s going to try out a FatBusters weight-watching class!
The horrible, horrible woman. The bitch. Everyone else had been given nice treats, except me. I’d been made the laughing stock.
“Maddie? Are you okay?”
I nodded mutely at Becky, not trusting myself to speak. Collette McMahon had just told thousands of listeners that I was fat and needed to do something about it. She had humiliated me in front of the whole city.
I put my big fat head in my big fat hands and wished the world would go away.